Posted on 26 Mar 1996; to Wundee, Odee, alt.evil, and alt.lies
Sorry in advance about quoting the whole thing; however, anything is
permitted in the name of mockery.
Nomi Malone (goddess@vegas.stardust.com) wrote:
If you have read this far,
...you just might be a redneck.
...you may already have won ten million dollars.
you must keep
...a running tally of how many times each individual letter is used in
the course of this message.
...a pet piranha in your toilet bowl.
reading and follow the
...yellow brick road.
instruction at the end.
This letter
...will self-destruct in five seconds.
...is scratch-and-sniff! Rake your nails across the screen to smell the
wholesome goodness of crap.
was originated in India, and has been
...recommended by four out of five dentists to remove plaque.
...used extensively in hospitals to induce vomiting.
received by
101,650 people. It is not your usual chain letter, as it can
...turn into a sea monkey if placed in a vat of acid.
...shrink your swollen membranes.
curse you for
eternity. When I first got this chain letter
...I was tripped out on Mentos and thought it was Raymond Burr.
it was so long and had so
many stories written by people who had received
...mortal wounds trying to slice pizza.
VOICE= Trying to slice pizza with this letter?
ME= No, just as an effect of the curse.
VOICE= So the curse is that you will die in a pizza-cutting accident if
you don't answer the letter?
ME= Yes. Care for a slice?
VOICE= As long as YOU do the slicing, cursed-boy.
it beforehand, in an effort to
...sink the Bismarck.
...loosen the straps of their straitjackets.
warn those who will receive this letter someday. Since it was
too long to copy them all, I only included the original messages when
typing it into e-mail. If you want to add something of your own to this
letter, you can; but don't forget to copy the original paragraphs. Here
is the story, as it was written by
...an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of keyboards.
the original author:
In December of 1955, five of us gathered
...one pair of every type of animal in existence into an ark.
in my house, and we
...beat each other to death with cudgels.
talked about chain letters,
...because we had no lives and had nothing better to talk about.
which had become popular among our peer. One
...flew over the cuckoo's nest.
...day in the life of Ivan Denisovich.
...life to live.
...of us went to a pizza parlor, never to be seen again.
of us proposed an idea that interested us: making our own
...porno flick.
chain letter.
We started it just for fun, and we did enjoy it when people we knew
believed that
...pro wrestling was for real.
...cashing in soda-can flip-tops can really help pay for kidney dialysis.
...the Easter Bunny would bring them a basket of D batteries next year.
their bad luck was caused by the letter. But the fun didn't
last for long...
Too bad we can't say the same about the letter.
About four months later, one of us died from a wound received
...from a pizza-cutter. Like everyone else who's been touched by this
curse.
by one
of his own dogs.
Wait- the dog gets wounded, but he's the one who dies from it?
***Most of the next paragraph was lost due to water damage.
Therefore, we present the following plot synopsis;
The chain letter gets passed on a bunch of times, kills again, gets
passed on a few times, kills again, gets passed on, kills, gets passed
on, kills, gets passed on, kills, gets passed on, kills...
I'm sure you see the pattern.
The chain letter had at that time been
...on "Larry King Live" and "The Tonight Show."
received by more than 800 people, and contained the following, written by
a woman wrongly inprisoned in an insane asylum:
"Bleebalurtfroxendinsht"
VOICE= Very good! Most people misspell it by leaving out the 'f'.
"I got this mail exactly one year ago tomorrow, and three of my friends
died. I am afraid that I will be
...forced to be the next Vice-President of the United States.
the next one who will die unless
...everyone reading this sacrifices their first-born son to me.
people in this hospital believe my words and let me sendthirteen
copies of this letter..."
Unfortunately, one of the three of us that were
VOICE= That's WAS, beetle-breath.
still alive was sent
...a "Harry Birthday" card by the CIA.
VOICE= Shouldn't that be 'happy'?
ME= Not from the CIA.
to a mental institution a few weeks ago, and I feel that this is my last
hope. I don't think
..., therefore I'm not.
...that I'm wearing any underwear.
I have enough time to explain what happened to us in
every detail. So, now I continue the chain in hopes that one of you is
the one who can stop this cursed letter. However, if you are not totally
sure that you are the one who can stop this, please don't test your luck.
I will pray for you and everyone who will receive this letter, hoping
that one day the curse can be broken.
INSTRUCTIONS:
A) Fold letter along dotted line.
B) Insert flap A into slot C.
C) Affix aerofoil A to side B with epoxy glue.
D) Slide aerofoil B halfway through slot S.
E) Fold side B so that the two aerofoils are on opposite sides. You know
have a box-shaped object.
F) Place a pizza-cutter inside the box.
G) Fold side A over to close off the top of the box.
H) Insert flap D into slot K.
You now have a fully-functioning curse!
Forward this letter to thirteen (13) people.
Different people, or can I send them all to you?
You must include the above paragraphs, although you can write more below
these instructions. Do not erase anything that appears within the
asterixes (*).
Make sure you add 13 to the number of people that have received this letter.
YOU HAVE SIX DAYS TO FORWARD THIS LETTER
YOU HAVE SIX DAYS TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE EVIL NOMI MALONE!
DO NOT DELAY! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!
DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN
(Fleetwood Mac in the background)
if you don't love me now
you will never love me again
i can still hear you saying
you would never break the chain
never break the chain
SEND THIS LETTER NOW, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT FORGET LATER
Hold on to your horses, lassie. These bones ain't what they used to be.
Joel T.