Standard Vole

Date: 12 Sept 1998

The Duck wrote:
> > hehe - this is an old myth - the reason for cooling a pentium is not to
> > keep the threads cool - they'll die "successfully" anyway - all saying
> > of such is just a hoax to cover up the fact that the only reason for the
> > cooler is to outnoise the smurfs inside the chip, when they cry out their
> > little lungs to escape.
> >
> >         the (Little Blue Lies) Duck

Thomas Forten replied:
> I think this is incorrect. Smurfs have not been used since the 486 processor.
> With the pentium, Intel switched to micro garden gnomes who work much faster,
> but their beards kept getting caught in the gears.
> With the pemium II series they kept the gnomes, but trimmed their beards.
> I hear that the new iMAC has no little people at all but works with a bit of
> human brain tissue that was preserved in Lenin's head.

No, no, no. It works by extracting nucleotides from dead voles; after which,
the nucleotides get hit with an electric current, spontaneously producing a
short-lived microscopic intelligent life-form which works more efficiently
than gnome-tech.
A problem which occurred in the prototype models, but may have been solved
by now; since each chip has to have the flesh of a dead vole inside in order
to work, they tended to get a little rank after a while.
Also, once they've used up all the vole flesh, the chips become junk.

Fortunately, by the time that happens, this will all be obsolete; by this
time next year, according to many insiders, the voles will be developing
most new computer technology all by themselves. When that happens, we'll
all have to learn the system of crosshatched/stylized claw-marks that form
the written script of Standard Vole; all new computer programming will be
written in it, which will relegate English- currently the lingua franca of
the Internet- to the "Exotic Language" category, a little below Latvian.
It's rumored that Bill Gates has already learned Vole in both its written
and spoken forms, and that all of his recent interviews and press releases
have consisted of unintelligible, high-pitched chittering.

;"-#=  #=
 #' ;^>"     (Standard Vole for "Joel T., reporting.")